we'll take a cup of kindness yet...

I just read last year's New Year's post... wow. I don't think a life could possibly be more different in the span of a year as mine has become. It just goes to show that you never know what can happen to you. I don't have much more to say than that. I'm looking forward to a great weekend with friends and an amazing year, filled with miracles. Love you all! Happy new year!

i'll tell you one and one makes three...

Stuck smack dab in the middle of Christmas and New Year's. I guess it's a better place to be than the week after New Year's. Although, I start training my replacement on January 5th, so work as I know it is pretty much through this week, which is sort of weird. I've been trying to get everything all straightened up with my files the past few days, since the new girl will have access to all my stuff once I leave and I'd like it to make sense to her. I really just hope that I don't go into labor too early, before I've gotten a chance to adequately train her. There's just so much that happens in this job that doesn't happen every day, so three weeks of training might seem like a lot when it really isn't.

Also, my throat hurts and I can't take any medicine to make it feel better. More on this as it develops. Or ceases to develop, which is what I'm hoping for.

I am having a baby in, like, a month... does everyone realize this?

merry christmas, darling...

My cousin, Brian, and his wife, Andrea, had their baby Wednesday. My coworker, Debbie, also had her baby last Thursday. So the two people I have been riding this pregnancy train with now have healthy new babies. This makes me feel good, since their pregnancies both turned out all right. It also makes me jealous, because I want my baby now and I want to not be pregnant for the holidays. Although if, for some reason, she was born now, she would have nowhere to sleep, since the room is still not ready for her and the living room is full of Christmas presents. So it's probably best she chills out a little longer.

My iPhone had a panic attack or something on the bus this morning, while trying to load a pic on Facebook, and now I can't turn it on again. I probably have to stop by the Apple store at some point tonight or tomorrow, because I can't stand being without a phone. I'm afraid the solution is going to be restoring it and it's hooked up to my parents' computer, so I think I have to do it there. I won't be going there until Christmas Eve... grrr.

I am really excited about the holidays this year, especially since I am actually finished with shopping before the week of Christmas. I think Dan and I did really well and we have a TON of presents. Plus, we are having a holiday party on the 26th, then going to a party for New Year's Eve, another one for New Year's Day and then... well, my baby shower is somewhere in there (I'll pretend not to know for the pictures) and then... baby. So we have a lot of exciting things coming up, culminating in probably one of the best things that can happen to two people. Needless to say, I think 2010 might be almost as good as 2009. Time will tell.

dream a little dream of me

I have been having very vivid dreams every night since becoming pregnant. Last night, I dreamed that Fenix Down (along with some other friends) were given the opportunity to go on a spaceship for an undetermined amount of time. I was concerned about going because, a) I didn't know if there would be a doctor onboard to deliver my baby and b) I wouldn't be able to have contact with my parents, nor would they be there when my baby was born. I was having a very rough time making the decision and, in the dream, I was talking to my parents about it in my grandfather's kitchen, at which point, my father told me he had to go back to El Caribe and take back the deposit he had put down for my wedding date because my family had no money. I can't figure out what this had to do with space, but I think everything that happens in my dreams is just making me more and more anxious. I wake up and have to talk about it with Dan right away, just to get it off my mind, no matter how stupid it is. Because I will lay in bed, fully awake, and still be nervous about making this space decision. I'm sure it's because I am anxious about other things (like the living creature that is currently residing in my uterus) but I really wish my mind would let me be nervous about the things it makes sense to be nervous about, and not the possibility of space travel.

Ten weeks to go, people. (That's two and half months, Nan.) This thing is actually happening.

we all just wanna be big rock stars...

Heading to Philly tonight for the Game X Expo tomorrow. Hopefully, just as we're arriving there, the Yankees will have secured the second World Series slot. Maybe I'll bring my Yankees hat, just to make everyone there hate me... but probably not. It's not like it's Boston.

After Friday, I won't be performing with the band, or even practicing, until after the baby is born. I'm kind of excited about the break. Having practice so often lately has been very tiring. But I have a feeling I am going to be really jealous of the girl they are getting to fill in for me. She's seventeen, and I'm sure very pretty and young and not pregnant and very excited about singing in a band. Whereas, I am almost thirty, knocked up and totally not appreciative of all the opportunities I have to sing. sigh... I guess I had my time. And I'm not really old. In fact, I didn't start feeling old until about 6 months ago, but it's hard to feel like a teenager when there's a baby growing inside you.

This is going to be good. I am going to have all my weeknights free to do other things and (mostly) relax and, once Abby's a few months old, I'll be back in the saddle. This is probably going to give me a new passion for the band, since I'll miss it so much. I hope.

help

What's the correct response to "You look pregnant today."?

baby love

It's been about a month and a half since my last posting. I am now very obviously pregnant. My belly looks fake to me, like something you strap onto your waist when you're playing a pregnant woman on TV. What isn't fake, however, (not that the belly is) is the movement inside it. Some days can go by quietly with just a flutter and others have this kid doing jumping jacks in my uterus. I don't know what could possibly get so exciting in there, but I guess when 14 hours of your day is sleeping and the rest is floating around staring at my uterine wall, you have to liven things up a bit. She actually scares me sometimes when I'm not expecting it and I feel, and sometimes see, a swift kick to the inside of me. It doesn't really feel like a kick, and it doesn't hurt... at least not yet. It just feels like the world's worst gas bubble. In the beginning, it was actually hard to differentiate the two. Now, it's pretty easy.

Also, she tends to like chilling on the right side of my stomach, which is why my belly button is now totally off-center, which freaks me out every time I look at it. I think the right side is where she sleeps or something. You can very clearly feel the difference between where she is and where it's only fat underneath. I'm sure that will only become more prominent over the next three and a half months.

That's all I have left. Three and a half months until Dan and I become parents for the rest of our lives. Although honestly, I feel like a parent already. We talk about Abby as if she is already here. It's going to be very odd to have to look into a face when we refer to her and not at my stretched out stomach, complete with popping belly button.

I really liked my deep belly button. I hope I get that back.

said, hey pretty baby will you marry me?

Disney World was amazing. On one hand, I couldn't go on all the rides I wanted to in Disney and Universal. On the other hand, two other things happened that kind of trumped all that and made this a pretty good contender for Best Vacation I Will Ever Have. (I'll wait until after my honeymoon to make that final call.)

Dan and I are officially engaged. Like, ring on my finger engaged. It's pretty incredible and he totally surprised me with it. I mean, we'd had plans to get married, so I wasn't sure whether or not I'd even be getting a ring, but he planned it very romantically and got down on one knee next to the Wishing Well at the foot of Cinderella's castle. (I swear there used to be a tunnel of love underneath the castle but Google is revealing nothing, so I guess I'm just crazy.) There are pictures and even a video, so it's definitely a moment I'll never forget, not that I ever would.

Now we just have to figure out when we want to get married. I was thinking maybe Fall 2010 but, although it is over a year away, I feel like we are going to be very occupied with the new addition and a wedding takes way more planning than I feel like I am ready to commit to right now. So we could do Spring 2011. I don't know when it'll be easier to do things though: when I'm pregnant or when I have an infant? At least someone else can watch the infant for us... hmm, this requires further thought.

Anyway, yay! I'm engaged to Dan!


PS - I forgot to mention the second good thing that happened. I came in second in the finals for the American Idol Experience. More on that in a later post.

fly me to the moon...

We're leaving for Disney World Saturday morning. I am more than a little excited. Now that all the moving is done (not the unpacking, but whatever), I have been more able to focus on the trip. And also, on the germs that will be parading around the airport and the plane (and probably the theme park but I think the excess happiness of the place cancels them out). I have been seriously considering wearing one of those surgical masks on the plane. I mean, I understand I will probably look like a paranoid crazy person but I am so afraid of getting swine flu that I might not care about looking like a loon for two and a half hours in front of five of my friends and some other people I will most likely never see again.

Also, my sinuses have been so bad that I am expecting them to just explode out of my head at a certain altitude.

I am really excited but I very much just want to be in Florida. I hate flying.

having my baby...

I am having a baby.

Phew... it feels good to finally get that out on here. I've been refraining from actually releasing the words to the Internet, since there were still some people I was waiting to tell in person. But now, it looks like the cat is out of the bag, so I am clear to discuss my own personal life on my own personal blog. Freeing.

As I mentioned vaguely in the previous post, I would never in a million years have expected my life to go in the direction that it has. That's not to say I'm not happy about it. I mean, everyone wants to find someone they love, get married and have a baby. So, eventually, all that stuff is going to be done and in years to come, no one will remember or care about the order in which it occurred.

I'm very happy with the decisions I've made, especially in light of information I have recently received from some people about some people. Suffice it to say, my life is still running smoothly, and although I understand it will be forever changed on or around Feb. 2, I don't expect it will change who I am as a person. At least, I don't plan on letting it.

Now everyone else (married people)... start catching up.

i will buy you a new life

Okay, so since my last blog post, my life has pretty much changed as much as it's possible for a person's life to change... okay, maybe not that much but I'd say that 80% of the big things that were true about me back in April are not true anymore. If you'd told me a mere 3 months ago where I would be right now, I probably would have had you locked away in a mental institution. Because seriously... Dan and I are just friends.

Well, I'm not going to get into everything on here, since there are still some people who may be reading who aren't caught up on all facets of my life changes as of yet, but I will say that I think I am monumentally more prepared for it than I ever would have thought I could be. Sometimes, when I think about it all, I get very scared and emotional and even angry (although not very much anymore), but then I remember that I have pretty much the best support system anyone could have and it could be so much worse and... honestly, not much better, if you think about it. Sure, things are happening slightly out of order but I think the bigger picture is that they're happening and that's what counts. So... it's all good. It's all going to be fine. Deep breaths.

what's in your head...

I sometimes marvel at the way I am able to sing on stage while half-asleep. There comes a certain point of the night when even the second wind has faded away and my brain pretty much decides it is no longer going to cooperate with me unless I lay down and get some rest. My body must have some secret storage space somewhere where lyrics to songs are filed away, so when my brain gives up for the night, my mouth is still able to produce the information needed to get through the set. The fact that I can do this is why it bothers me so much when I forget the words to anything. I have a ridiculous memory that stretches over years and I hate when I just randomly lose the words to "Misery Business" and stand there staring blankly at everyone in horror. The same thing happened to me on stage during 'Godspell', when I had to manuever my way through the end of my monologue and pray to God that Sue would come in with the song without hearing my exact cueline.

I miss Stagers.

I am very excited about this upcoming weekend. I have a great birthday celebration to attend Saturday night and then we head to the bright lights of Bloomsburg Sunday morning. I anticipate having to go to 8am Mass, after getting home around 3am or so. So I hope Bara and Dan have a lot to talk about for those three hours. I don't think I'll be contributing very much.

I have attended Mass without fail since Easter Sunday. At the power hour at Lou's, I swore that I would not miss it for any reason that I could control and I am very proud of myself for sticking by my, albeit drunken, word. This means, however, that I have to go to Mass this Thursday night, since Ascension Thursday is a Holy Day of Obligation. I wonder how many people actually go to Mass on those days. Although, my mother will probably be singing. I'm sure I can just sit near her.

I'm sorry that this blog sometimes becomes stream of consciousness.

money, that's what i want

Wow, I just had a mini-money panic attack. I went to order the Disney plane tickets and realized I do not have enough money on either of my credit cards right now to cover the cost. I get paid Friday, so it shouldn't be an issue then, but sometimes, when I actually come face to face with how much money I owe, it knocks me for a loop. I really can't fathom how I will ever pay it all off. I wish I could go back in time to the moment I signed up for my second credit card and punch myself in the face. Better yet, I'd have Chuck Norris punch me in the face. Why did I think I could transfer half of it to the second card and then cease to use the first one? What ever made me think I'd have the willpower to pull that off?

Ugh... I know everyone owes money but some people just make so much more and then talk about it and they're really nice and not trying to make me feel badly AT ALL but I seriously take a look at my salary and I am just barely living. Then, I think about other people who are actually just barely living, and I thank God that I still have a job and I can pay my bills.

Okay... it's not that bad... I just had to get that out.

if you could read my mind...

I just heard a commercial on the radio for some psychic that ended with, "Remember, if your reading is not the best you've ever had, it's free!" I think that's a poor choice of words. Maybe, "if your reading is not the most accurate you've ever had." Because if the psychic told me that my entire family was going to die in a fiery car crash, it might be spot on, but I don't know that I'd call it the best.

drink up me hearties, yo ho!

The one remaining Somali pirate is being brought into court today. The news had video of him being escorted by police and made a big deal of how he had a huge smile on his face. What did they expect? He's a fucking pirate! Can you imagine a pirate walking to his doom with his head down? No, he has to look like a cocky badass right til the end. That smile actually made me respect him a little bit more. Especially since he didn't tamper with the Chinese sneakers.

it's my life

My grandmother is back in an assisted living facility/hospital sort of place. Not the one I visited and described some entries back, that made me want to kill myself. My mother says this place is actually nice. So I'm hoping she'll get better enough to leave and live on her own again eventually. I don't like to think she'll be spending the rest of her life in a place like that, although I guess it could certainly be worse. At least she'd be with people 24/7 who could take care of her and all. It's so depressing. I don't plan on getting old. I'm just going to eventually be older but never change the way I look or act or feel. Hope that's all right with everyone.

95.5 is SUCH a better station to listen to at work all day than 92.3 NOW. Seriously, I could not go another day hearing "Poker Face" seventeen times. That station was making me loathe songs I actually liked.

I got cookies from one of my bosses this morning for Adminsitrative Professionals Week. I really enjoy the fact that this "holiday" went from Secretaries Day to what it is now. I don't think very many other jobs have an entire week of celebration. I guess someone somewhere realized that if all the Administrative workers went on strike one day, the world would shut down. When some people get to a certain level of management, they shut down portions of their brain, never to be used again. You'd just have 10 million CEOs staring blankly at a copy machine for hours on end.

ma-a-a-a-a-a-ps

Sitting at my new desk. This is the beginning of the third week here, I believe, and it really hasn't been as bad as I anticipated. I kind of like being in the thick of things. I hear a lot more gossip and am able to more readily share my own. So I would say on the whole, this has been a positive move.

I had an okay holiday this weekend with my family. My grandmother was here from New Jersey. She was recently on this medication that gave her tremors and, because of this, her right arm was basically shaking the entire weekend. And not slightly, but to the point where her caretaker who drove her to our house made the joke that she should get a part-time job as a fluffer. Totally innappropriate but, because it was my family, hilarious. Anyway, between being depressed in general and all this shaking, her nerves are just totally shot and all she does is complain about everything. I know I should have some sympathy for her, because she is my grandmother and all, but after a while, I really couldn't take it. On the drive over, it would go something like this:

"It's cold in this car."
"I don't want to wear this seatbelt." (So take it off) "No, I can't, you'll get a ticket."
"Do we really have to sit in all this traffic?"
"Donna, you're talking too much."
"It's hot in this car."
"I can't sit here anymore."

It got to the point where I just consciously never want to complain about anything again, just to keep from sounding like that.

Also, it terrifies me that I will be a terrible mother, because I have absolutely no patience for things like that. I mean, I didn't yell at her or anything, but I really really wanted to.

i just wanna scream, hello...

One of my good friends at work got laid off yesterday. This is a guy I literally have lunch with every day, except Fridays. It's really shitty that this had to happen, especially to such a nice person and a hard worker. I can't think of anyone in my group who really deserves to be laid off, but I think he especially didn't. So now, I am glum. Also, I have to move my desk, away from where I have a modicum of privacy- and am right next to all my files- over into the cubicles with everyone else. I used to sit with everyone in the old office, so it's not like I won't get used to it, but I sort of like being slightly separated from everyone, and having a much larger desk. I mean, I'm everyone's admin, so I should be accessible to everyone. Ah, well... bitching isn't going to get me anywhere, especially to people who have absolutely no control over the situation.

I am looking forward to tomorrow morning (afternoon?) for the League Tuffendale baseball draft, and tomorrow night, for Maloney's and Vinny being home again, but I am dreading the in-between time, when I have to go to the Time Warner Cable office and drop off my old cable box and modem. The last time I was there, to switch out my original box for a DVR, it was a Monday afternoon (I had called out sick from work) and it was PACKED. So I am really not looking forward to going alone on a Saturday afternoon. I might try to guilt my father into going with me. The cable box is awfully heavy...

Other than that, I don't have much else to report. Last weekend was a fun drunken time (blowing .24 on the breathalyzer at BJ's might be my personal best, and I am even more proud after watching Castle last night, and hearing that someone at .28 is near unconscious) and the rest of this week hasn't offered up any gems. But, like I said, I am looking forward to tomorrow. I hope TWC doesn't sour my mood.

EDIT: I asked my dad to go with me tomorrow and he said to just drop off the box and modem with a blank check and he will bring it for me on Monday. Soooo spoiled. Between my father doing everything for me and my brother having dinner on the table every night when I get home from work, I am never going to find a man to measure up. If I wasn't allergic, I'd be gathering cats right now.

relax! don't do it, when you wanna go to it...

So the ANTM open call in Manhattan turned into a riot over the weekend. Three people were arrested and six had to be taken to the hospital with various injuries, some the result of being trampled. Apparently, an overheating car prompted someone to scream, "It's a bomb!" which then started a stampede. Seriously? Who yells "It's a bomb" in a crowd of people? Besides the fact that you likely wouldn't see evidence of a bomb before it detonated... I don't know. I actually can't think of what reaction I would have in that situation. Not the overheating car, but the actually laying eyes on a bomb. I guess my first instinct would be to get the hell out of there and then feel horribly guilty later for the carnage I'd left in my wake by not hysterically alerting everyone else. Thankfully, I was too old to audition and so saved myself a lot of wasted time and potential broken bones. Now I'm happy to be old!

I had a pretty awesome weekend. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I had the most fun Friday that I will ever have at a cancer benefit. My family sure does know how to wring the sadness out of a situation. Also, Saturday was a really good time as well. Sitting at TGI Friday's, talkin' about dead people, then a viewing of Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood at Vinny and Emily's and Rock Band to wrap up the night. Sometimes, I really don't think my life has changed that much in the past ten years. I've just exchanged some of my friends. And there's slightly more alcohol.

age ain't nothin' but a number

Ughhh... I am too old to audition for the short season of America's Next Top Model. Forget about the fact that I am not thin enough and don't really know how to pose in front of a camera. Those are just details. I'm too old. The ages are from 18-27 and I am looking down the barrel of the big ol' 2-8. This is way more depressing than it should be, as I'm reasonably certain I had no real intention of auditioning. But still... don't tell me what I can't do!

I wonder if I could lie... although, of course, if I went in there saying I was 18 or 19, they would probably accuse me of looking too young. So really, I can't win. In a few years, I'm just going to look like a 16-year-old girl with graying hair and wrinkles. I'm Benjamin Button.

The new apartment is great so far. I got my first taste of the parking situation at 11:30 Monday night and it's pretty bad. But no worse than my parents' house AND I parked slightly in a crosswalk and didn't get a ticket. Other than the parking, I really love the place. It's not done yet; we still don't have DVR (curses!) and my father has to put up the door between my brother and my bedrooms and I have to figure out where I'm putting the two garbage bags of stuffed animals and at least two boxes of other things I have no room to store. Thank God my room is big. Even with all the boxes still sitting around, it's at least double the size of any other room I've ever had. I can do a dance routine in the middle of the floor, which is, of course, what every little girl dreams of in a bedroom. Right? It wasn't just me, was it?

My brother is going to be cooking dinner every night, which is AWESOME, but also means I have to eat whatever he makes and shut up about it, which is putting my diet somewhat in the shitter. Last night, we had cheeseburgers and Key Food brand shells and cheese. I guess it could be worse and, seriously, I am not complaining about having dinner on the table for me when I get home from work. For the past year, I have been eating leftovers or ramen noodles/Ellio's pizza for dinner, alone. I'll just have to be extra healthy during the day to make up for it.

my flag boy and your flag boy, sittin' by the fire...

Sunday is the official move in date. I may possibly be asking for volunteers to help out on Sunday afternoon, which I will decide upon tonight after I talk to my father about how many people he thinks we'll need to help. This would involve moving my couch out of the house, which- as much as my father thinks it won't- is going to be difficult. The hallway and doorway of my apartment are very narrow and the movers who brought it in three years ago ripped the back of it on the top of the banister. I probably should have demanded a new couch but no one except Nancy and I ever knew it was ripped and the headache it would have been to get the old one out and the new one in would have been more trouble than it was worth. So, in conclusion, if you're reading this and you're male (so, everyone but Michelle... as far as I know), stay tuned.

I started a new diet on Sunday. So far, it's going well, but the first week of any diet I start always goes well, so I'm not claiming victory yet. I have this idea that once I get into the new place, I am going to buy a Wii Fit and that will be the way I lose weight. Don't tell me marketing doesn't work...

Also, for all the people (you know who you are) who complain about the lack of updates and having nothing to read, go to my other blog and read the first issue of the comic I have posted there. (Yes, I have been reduced to begging people to read things.) Rereading "Watchmen" has made me want to write more of it but I feel sort of stupid to keep doing so when Brendan and I are the only two people reading it... okay, I think Tom read some, too. Anyway, make a poor, old woman happy and read the goddamn thing, so I can feel loved and important. Go on. Your country needs you.

oh little ol' me...

My brother and I (and my father... and possibly my mother... and maybe the ashes of my dead dog, if we can fit them in the car) are going to pay the first month's rent and the security deposit on our new apartment tomorrow. Apparently, we are getting the keys on Saturday and then... that's it. I officially live in two separate homes; three, if you want to count the place I eat crap food and watch movies on Sundays and really, until I get married, I can't stop referring to my parents' house as "home." I might have just sort of stolen that idea from Garden State but there you go. I could pick a worse movie to steal ideas from.

I had an awesome and exciting dream on Sunday night that involved me and the rest of the DnD gang in some house running around and experiencing some type of crazy adventure. I specifically remember Dan and Joe being there but I know the rest were, too. The problem is, I cannot remember any of it and it's really making me mad. In the dream, I knew I would forget it, so I had a second dream wherein I told all my friends about the first dream, since I knew talking about it would make it stick. Then, I woke up and promptly forgot it. I think it may be time for a dream journal.

I miss having someone. Is that pessimism? I'm going with no. Also, does it make me a terrible person to like having a guy take care of me? Like is that such a step backward for feminists? Would my fellow women be ashamed of me? I sometimes think that there is a women somewhere trapped inside of me who would absolutely love living in the 1950s... but then I remember that I can't cook and hate cleaning so I don't think I'd last very long back then. Do you think Dick Van Dyke would've been okay with eating mac and cheese for dinner?

I started this journal with the idea that each post would be one separate narrative but turns out, not that many exciting things happen to me on a daily basis. I thought a guy might have been coming over to hit on me Saturday night, but he was just asking me to do an interview for the band. Then later on, when I apologized for not being able to hear him, he said it was probably because of his accent. Because I still couldn't hear him, I had no idea what kind of accent he had, so it's possible I let my one chance for chatting up a British guy slip through my fingers. That, my friends, would have been one hell of a story. I imagine the story of accomplishing one of my life goals could have gotten pretty long-winded.

i'm moving out!

I found two songs with pretty much the same lyric. I should probably have saved this when for when I'm actually moving out but whatever. I have faith in my creativity; I'll find a new one.

Anyway, yes, I am moving out, between March 1st and April 1st. The apartment I mentioned in the last entry will be mine and Ricky's new home. I am really excited about it, but also sad about leaving Nancy. I've come to really love the apartment I live in now, but really, I feel like the love is slowly beginning to drop and pretty soon I may end up hating it. My neighbor is a big part of the reason why I will be pleased as punch to get out, but there are other reasons, too, which I won't document here.

My new apartment is on the first floor, so this will be the first time I don't have to climb a flight of stairs (other than the front stoop) to get to my house. The people who live above me are a young couple with a really adorable baby girl and they seem very nice, so I don't think we'll have any problems in that department. This is also the first time I've lived in a non-brownstone-style house. I am no longer connected on one or both sides. I am really moving up in the world, aren't I?

I had a crazy dream last night involving Randall Flagg somehow but I can't remember what it was. All I remember is waking up to my brother Alex calling my name and feeling very creeped out, since it had sounded as if him calling me was what had woken me up. See what reading comic books is doing to me? This didn't happen when I read the actual books... although almost being hit with flying pieces of wood and seeing hidden messages on balloons might be a little bit worse. Seriously. The Dark Tower made me a little bit crazy.

move out, don't mess around...

In the last month or so (pretend I'm writing this blog Monday), two of my friends have moved away from New York. Both had very good reasons for doing so and one, at least (I hope both) seems to be happy with his decision thus far. I myself cannot imagine packing up my life and moving anywhere farther from where I am now than New Jersey. Even that would be a stretch. I honestly believe that I both a) talk too fast and b) am too impatient to live anywhere but New York. I understand there are other big cities out there where people are often rude and lose their tempers with those who don't belong. In fact, I'm sure there are others right here on the east coast (see: Boston), but New York is too much "my home" for me to ever consider leaving it. Not that I think my friends are crazy for moving on; far from it. I think it takes a certain strength of character to start over, a strength that I do not have. I rely on my friends and family so much. I can't decide if that's a good or bad thing... maybe it's just a neutral thing and there's nothing good or bad about it. It's just different.

I will however be moving in the next few months, although to where is still a mystery. I may possibly be looking at an aprtment tomorrow. My brother's friend offered us a spot in his duplex for $425 a piece... but we'd have to share a bedroom. For two full seconds, I actually debated the possibility, because $425 a month in rent was such a nice number to roll around my brain, but in the end I realized I am a twenty-seven year old woman, my brother is a twenty-four year old man and- even if we were seven and four again- I am a spoiled brat who has never shared a room with anyone and desparately enjoys her privacy once in a while. So yeah. Sorry, $425. Maybe next time.

i believe i can fly

There was a bird in my apartment yesterday. The idea that I might have been in the same closed-in area with a bird while at my most vulnerable (i.e. straight out of the shower... I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. I guess it's the thought of running out of my house naked in blind fear. The bird would only be the beginning of my problems.) is both thrilling and terrifying. Let me explain: apparently, Sunday night, my cousin, while letting her dog out to do its business in our backyard through the basement back door, accidentally allowed a black bird to fly into the house. I will blame this entire thing on that dog, although it is very nice, because it is extremely badly behaved and almost tore my finger off in its choke chain once when I was trying to walk it... but that's another story. Anyway, she did what any typical woman would do (me included) and ran back to her apartment, slamming the door shut behind her. Monday afternoon, she went back to the basement and couldn't find the bird. She had happened to call her father (our landlord) to come fix a heating issue in the house. In doing so, they both went upstairs to my apartment to check the thermostat. All three occupants were at work, but my cousin heard a rustling noise in the living room and slowly went to investigate, at which point, she found the bird trapped in the curtains behind my couch. My uncle somehow grabbed it in a towel and set it free off my back porch. I'm sure my neighbor will have some reason to complain about this incident, too. The bird was probably making so much noise, he couldn't hear his television.

When I got home yesterday evening, all that remained of the bird were some wrinkled curtains and a few droplets on my couch that resembled white out. But the scariest part of this is that there was no contact with this bird from Sunday night, till Monday afternoon, which means that it could very well have been in my living room, sitting in the dark, while I was getting ready for work. I just can't even imagine how terrified I would have been had I heard a noise, gone to check it out, and been hit in the face with a camouflaged and panicked bird. I'd probably still be crying.

I wonder if I'd be this afraid of birds if a seagull hadn't tried to steal my turkey sandwich out of my hands when I was eleven. I mean, I got the sandwich back, but ultimately the seagull won, as my parents wouldn't let me eat it after the bird's claws had been sunk into the roll. I can still see that bird flapping in my face and my cousin, Michael, then sixteen, sitting on a beach chair nearby, laughing.

Don't tell me I'm not scarred.

i'm a loser, baby...

Seven days in and I think the New Year's resolution is coming along pretty well. I am actively trying to stay positive but I hope that, eventually, I won't have to think about it anymore and it'll just happen. Like breathing.

I'm also part of a Biggest Loser competition with some of my family members. I was asked by my cousin if I wanted to take part in it, and her question was prefaced with, "I don't want to insult you by asking this, but..." I'm glad she thinks I am fit enough to be insulted by being asked if I want to lose weight. Anyway, I have to kick in $20 at the beginning and then, for every week I gain, I have to throw in another $5. I believe we're doing this until some time around Easter. I usually hover around the same weight anyway, so as long as I don't gain, I won't lose all that much money. I've tried before to switch my diet over to healthy foods, which for me, mostly means grilled chicken instead of fried. But this time, I think I'll try a little harder, being that there's money involved. I also did a 22 minute Exercise-on-Demand in my living room last night, ignoring the fact that I actually belong to a gym to which I NEVER GO. I swear, if I ever try to pay money to a gym again, someone direct me to this post. Unless I am doing Fenix Down full-time and have free mornings and afternoons in which to make myself attractive to our millions of fans. Then, it's all right.

I'm also trying to do some other good things for myself in this new year. I cooked myself an actual dinner last night (grilled chicken... see?... and rice) as opposed to eating ramen noodles or a grilled cheese. I've also been wearing my glasses at work, like I'm supposed to. I'm taking care of myself this year. All I have to do is actually fill out that 401K paperwork and I'll really be on the ball. I've only been sitting on that for over a year... I'm sure I'll get to it any day now.