what's in your head

Did you ever think something about a person- not "Ew" or "Ugh" but an actual, rational thought, like, "You are disgusting"- and then immediately worry that the person might be telepathic and come after you in a mindless rage?

This happens to me more often than you'd think, as I am constantly talking to myself, inside my own head, in complete sentences. I'm well aware that this may be lunatic behavior but I've been doing it too long to stop now. The above-mentioned phrase, "You are disgusting", was directed this evening at a heavy, ratty-looking male sitting across from me on the N train. I was so engrossed in the book I am currently reading- I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley (which is probably the catalyst for the post you are currently reading, since I only ever write things after being jealous that someone else wrote them first)- that I didn't notice the gentleman until I stood up to switch trains. At this point, I heard him making a sucking noise and looked at him for the first time. He was eating a bag of some kind of nuts (grown on a tree, not out of a human male) and spitting the shells onto the floor of the subway, like he was at a baseball game. Even at baseball games, I find that practice vile, since even though you are technically outdoors, you really aren't outdoors, you are inside the stadium and it's someone's job to clean up those discarded shells after you leave to pack yourself into a sweaty subway car. I guess a person could say that spitting the shells is good for the economy, since not spitting them would take away one more job, but that person would not be me. In fact, I can't think of a single place, recession or no, that I would condone people spitting their food on the ground. But I digress... inside of a subway car is certainly not the place for it and I took a moment to look down upon this man, perched on his clearly lower rung of the evolutionary chain, and think to myself, "You are disgusting."

In the literal five seconds it took the train doors to open and me to exit onto the platform, I envisioned a scenario wherein this man would look up at me, hatred blazing in his lidded eyes, and suddenly leap from his seat to chase me onto the platform, beating me into submission and yelling, "Who's disgusting now!?" Obviously, this did not happen and could never happen. Unless of course, my brain and mouth one day fail to function as the wonderful partners they have become and my terrible thoughts spew forth into the audible world. Although, then again, a chubby guy who is slouched on a train spitting food onto the floor is probably in no mood to chase a pretty healthy young woman down a subway platform anyway. I wasn't wearing heels and I have a feeling I could run pretty fast if I thought my life depended on it. The fastest I think I have ever run was away from my friend chasing me with a butterfly. Of course, that was over ten years ago, when I was considerably lighter and... less-developed, but I imagine the adrenaline would carry me through.

...I think the nuts were cashews.