mema

My grandmother is dying and I have to watch. I haven't written anything on here in almost 3 1/2 years. I've gone from a mother of one to a mother of two. Life has changed in some amazing ways. But as always, life has a way of reminding you that it can all be over in a blink. Mema has always been the "cool" grandma. She was 48 when I was born, although I've always thought of her as old. It's amazing how "old" changes the older I get. She always had her hair done, always had her nails done, was always up for a good time. I could always say anything to her; I never had to censor myself. Mema is also the only Italian woman of her generation who married an Italian man who cooked for her, which I think led to a chain of my mother and then me finding similar, (almost) one-of-a-kind men. My grandfather did everything for her, was one of the best men on Earth. When he died, it really rocked her world. She had never been alone before, had never taken care of herself, and it was very difficult for her to transition. In a way, I think she never really did. But she has persevered through the eight years since, through the highs and the lows, and now comes the lowest of lows. Hospice. Brain tumor, blood clots. All things that perhaps a younger person might have been able to fight off. Doctors would have pushed for surgery and the battle would have begun to save her life. But now... at eighty-one years old, it would most likely be a fight she wouldn't win and the end of her life would be filled with a painful surgery and much suffering. So the decision was made to let her live out her remaining days, weeks, months at a beautiful facility, with nice people who are taking care of her while we sit and watch and feel helpless. Everyone in the place is waiting for someone to die. Not exactly Disney World. She can still communicate a bit but most of her speech is gibberish. I don't know how much she understands but I think it's more than we know. The only words that she can continually express are, "I love you." It's strange and beautiful that the most important words a person can say, will ever say, can still pass clearly to our ears, no matter what is going on in her brain. She's depressed and embarrassed and sad but she still loves us and I know, that when her bed finally lays empty, whenever that may be, that she'll love us from wherever she has gone. And I know Papa will be waiting for her there with a smile and an apron tied around his waist. "Dinner's getting cold, Ro."

we remember, we celebrate, we believe...

Okay, so it's almost been six months and I am back. At least for today.

Yesterday was the tenth anniversary of Sept. 11th. Can't believe it's been ten years already. What a horrible day. I find myself not being able to actually focus on the way those people all died. My mind can't comprehend the horror they must have felt. I just thank God (and should every day) that, though both my parents were down there, they both made it out unscathed. I wonder if there were any children who lost both parents. I suppose it's possible, although I feel like we would have heard about it. Maybe it was lost amongst all the other tragic stories from that day. I sincerely hope that Abby never has to have that kind of day in her life. Having a kid now makes me feel even worse about it. I sat in front of my television yesterday crying as the names were read. Seeing the names and faces (and on some channels, the ages) of all the victims makes it so much more real than any numbers could.

I don't know why I always lie on here. I always say I'll be back, then I disappear for months at a time. I am finished making promises. From now on, I'll write when I'm inspired (which I wish was more often, but what can you do?).

just a little bit

I can't believe that I haven't posted on here since June. It's goddamn October already. I was just sitting on my couch for the last hour or so, reading all my old blog posts, starting with Livejournal and feeding into Blogger. I don't know if my life was more interesting a few years ago, or I just posted a lot of crap (probably the latter), but I used to post something everyday. It probably also helped that, for most of that time, I had a job where I sat in front of a computer for eight hours a day and didn't have to feed or burp anyone.

Dan and I are sitting in our living room, each of us on his/her own laptop. We do this a lot and I think it's sad sometimes. But not sad enough to stop me from typing this blog entry...

The Cougarhawks were mercied this morning. I know I have a big mouth in the outfield and yell things like, "Pick up the ball!" and "Come on, guys!!", meanwhile, I let easy balls past me all the way to the fence. In my head, I swear, I am the best softball player there is. Knowing the rules and having the talent are not the same thing but I really wish they were. I would be the first 4'10" woman to crack a homerun over the fence.

My bridal shower was yesterday. I was 75% surprised. I got a lot of great stuff, but best of all were the two holiday baskets my aunt Ellen made me, containing decorations for most major holidays. I was almost crying looking at them yesterday. I love having a decorated house but I just don't have much stuff. I "decorated" for Halloween on Friday by putting out a Halloween dish towel and bathroom towel, a picture frame with a picture of me and Michelle that I made at a scrapbooking party, a small sign, three rubber ducks dressed in costumes and a Winnie-the-Pooh door decoration. I know that sounds like a lot but... no, wait, no, it doesn't. So you can understand my elation at receiving a bit more to pretty up the house. (Such a woman.) I want to have some people over one night in October. I just hate decorating only for us. I like to share it with everyone.

Okay, I'm done now, but I swear I'll be back soon.

hungry like the wolf...

I'm starting a new diet. But not really, since I always ALWAYS fail at diets. Mostly because it is impossible for me to completely give up the things I like to eat. I love food too much. Members of my family and old coworkers have all tried two separate diets where the primarily consumed item is a shake. A shake? Really? And that's all I get to eat? I mean, my coworkers actually had "milk days" when they weren't allowed to eat ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL FOR 24 HOURS? So, really, I can't have this donut? Because I really want the donut. You know what? I'm having the donut. And thus, my failure of the fad diets.

I think I might be able to succeed at Nutri System or something else where you are encouraged to lose weight by having food delivered right to your door. No, don't get up. Here's the food. You're welcome. But anyway, I think I might be able to do that because I could pick and choose foods I like. My main problem with dieting is that, as soon as I see a chance to eat food I like, I have to eat it. I can't pass up a cheeseburger for a salad. With Nutri System, they probably have some low cal version of a cheeseburger and I most likely wouldn't know the difference. But, alas, I can't afford anything like that. Also, I have tried Weight Watchers but I usually go through the points in two meals since nothing I like is considered low enough.

So my "diet" is finding the most healthy of the things I will eat and trying to incorporate that into my diet as much as possible. Oatmeal? Sure, I'm eating it now. It's not the best but I can make it through. It's better than my normal breakfast of two waffles slathered in butter and syrup. So, if I can make a meal a bit healthier most of the time, I won't feel bad about the occasional cheeseburger and/or donut. I need those and trying to cut them out completely is the biggest mistake I can make.

I'm also working out but I know that if I don't cut back on the crap, I'll just have kick ass muscles under a layer of fat. And as hot as that sounds...

time after time...

Home watching "The Wonder Pets" right now. Some people think that it is too early to watch cartoons for Abby's benefit. I disagree, I think the sooner the better. I have big plans to raise a genius child and live off her money in my old age. You heard it here first. If I have to suffer through some "Wonder Pets" now to live in luxury later... actually, what am I saying? I like "Wonder Pets." It's kind of a cartoon opera. Seriously, watch it some day. It's almost all performed in song.

For those who might not know, I will not be returning to work. It's weird to not have somewhere specific to go every morning. Weird but good. Boring sometimes, but every day is different for me, now that I can use Dan's car and have freedom to leave the house. I don't have to sit on the couch staring at her for eight hours a day. Not that I don't love staring at her, but she's only just begun to be entertaining. Also, once I started thinking of taking care of her as a job, it got to be a lot easier. I am better when I have a bit of structure. The whole thing is insanely ovewhelming in the beginning. "So I just have to keep filling up bottles, feeding them to her, cleaning them and then refilling them for the forseeable future?" It's like a job that's never done. That is until she gets old enough to feed herself and I wonder where the time went.

I watched Betty White on "SNL" today. That was the funniest episode of that show I have seen in a really long time. Partly due to Betty but also probably because they invited back all of the funny women who were on the show for the last fifteen years. Another classic Delicious Dish sketch, featuring Betty's Dusty Muffin. It was like the whole episode revolved around how dirty an 88 year old woman could be... and I loved it. We know my mind is always in the gutter.

these are the days you remember...

Okay, I could have sworn I posted something up here after the baby was born. Maybe I just started something and then gave up on it. Anyway, yesterday was the six week anniversary (not really, since that implies something yearly but I don't know what else to say) of Abby's birth. She'll be two months old on March 19th. It feels like I both can't believe she's that old and also, that I can't believe she's that young. How could I have had a baby in my life for six weeks and also, how can she have only been a part of my life for six weeks? My grandmother had a baby brother who died at 3 or 5 months old, I can't really remember, and for some reason, I used to think it wasn't so bad, since the kid was very young, that somehow, the family wasn't all that attached to him yet. Not that it was a good thing, but better he died then than when he was much older. Now, I understand how my cousin, Jackie, was way more horrified by that story than I was. Everyone always says it, but you just cannot understand the amount of love you can feel for something until you hold it in your arms. I mean, I love Dan, a lot, but this is something totally different. I really hope that all of you get to experience it in your lives.

She's really been such a good baby. The other night, she slept for nine hours overnight, which is kind of ridiculous for such a young baby, but she definitely makes up for it with feedings during the day. Whenever we try to burp her while feeding, she starts freaking out. She doesn't want to go 5 minutes without eating. It's actually pretty funny, we need to get it on video before she gets too old and stops doing it.

Being home has been kind of boring. Daytime television is really the worst. I watch "Regis and Kelly" and "The Price is Right" semi-religiously. The rest is whatever I can find. Right now, I'm watching Man on Fire, which I always wanted to see and I can't believe it came out six years ago. What have I been doing for the past six years?